Everyday and every night

Everyday I live in fear that something else is going to happen. Every night I have nightmares about not being able to survive anymore; about not being able to afford our house anymore; about moving into a small apartment, which we still can't afford; about my wife being totally numb to me and her surroundings. Everyday and every night I live with these fears. They never leave me. When I turn a corner, they turn with me. When I take a drink, they take one, too. When I read a book, they are there sitting right beside me. How can I escape these fears? Where can I go? There was a time in my life when I would've gone on vacation; would've spent a few weeks in Jamaica, but now I can't afford to do that anymore. At times, it's impossible for me to put into words how much those trips helped me. There are those close to me who never understood why I needed them, and I at times thought them extravagant, but they helped, nonetheless. Especially Jamaica. God how I miss Jamaica. I'd give thousands of dollars, if I had them, to go there for a couple of months. It seems so selfish to ask for such a thing; to sit on a beach drinking rum and smoking good ganja. It is a luxury, no doubt. But I made a lot more money when I lived that way. I paid more taxes. I was a much more productive citizen. So, shove that up your "Just say no," campaigns.

Whenever I went to Jamaica, it was like meeting the other half of my spirit who lives on the island; while I was there, I was whole. Even though I had to leave half of myself when I left, that half was rejuvenated. But just as a battery has two sides, positive and negative, so do I. One cell lives in Jamaica and the other in Kentucky. Without one, the other weakens.

And I am dying.