I feel as though everything in my life is changing. I no longer seem the same even when I stare out a window. The world has changed, but I'm not sure how. It's as if I have entered into someone else's body and seeing the world through their eyes. Maybe someone else has entered my body. Either way, I see me caring less about living, caring less about what happens, caring less about anything.
It is so hard to navigate the paths of life, especially when others drag you into their storms, their drama, their shortcomings, their failures. They sweep you up into them, and if you voice an opposing opinion, then you are thrown overboard, cast out to sea, and they will never throw you a lift raft. They will set their sails for another course and leave you to drown. Whereas I once sought to swim, now I am content to slowly sink beneath waves and watch the last bubbles of my breath rise toward the surface. The light glistens in the bubbles like dancing diamonds across the night sky in the full moonlight. Those who cast me aside did me the greatest favor. My biggest fear now is that guilt will overtake them and they'll come back and find me. But if they do, I will not be found, for the "me" they threw overboard is now gone. That person lives only in their conscience.
I no longer care. But I suppose that could always be argued. I might once again find passion if I were starving in the slums of a great city, etching along, gasping desperately for a crumb to feed my ravaging body. But maybe not, maybe the change that has overtaken me is the first acceptance of death, or perhaps the longing for the struggle to end. And it is struggle. To contend with others, especially family, who want to mold me into their image. Who want me to love them and serve them. I suppose that's why they say it's not easy to live a "Christian" life. Jesus said to, "love your enemies." It's so much easier just to let them be. But make no mistake, it is evil. Yes, evil. Maybe I have become one with life's evils. I've accepted the gratuity for shunning those who have shunned me. And my pockets are full, my cup overfloweth.
Oh, but I digress. I had sought to tell you I have changed. But to tell you, means I must recall and recollection can bring remorse. But I have no need for recall, or remorse, for I have no care anymore. I am disappearing. In a little while, I'll be gone.
Oh, that the shores be long gone
That the waves will still
And that I shall be alone
For solitude cures my ill
