Freedom

I think about the years in my family business ... no entanglements, no connections ... someone called us to do a job, we did it, got paid, then moved on ... and I remember how much I loved it.

Resign yourself to love

This blog has been nothing but a lie. I state in my profile that the changes in my life have enriched me and I hope yours do, also. That's really a crock of crap. To be truthful about it, I've allowed the changes in my life make me bitter and mean. A friend recently told me that I'm, "mad and full of rage." How dare him? I thought. But it's true.

I'm mad that I didn't plan better for the future, which is here and now. I should've been saving money like a miser since I was 14. By that age, I was already drumming most every weekend , worked in my family's ornamental iron shop, pumped gas at Red Ace Service Station at nights after school and full time during the summer. I had very little leisure time as a teenager. And I'm mad that I did not whole heartedly pursue my dream, which was to be a drummer. At age 18, I got my first wife pregnant and went to work in my family's business instead of going to college and studying music. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing, but now I'm not so sure. A lot of young couples have had children and they still go to college. But I didn't.

The doors to the music world were flung wide open to me in mid-twenties. My rock band was signed to a management company in Nashville. We were touring occasionally, opening up for Black Oak Arkansas, Wet Willie and Brownsville Station. It all sounds glamorous, and it was, but it also sounds prosperous, but it wasn't. Most of the band's funds were being reinvested in the band's marketing and recording, so that meant no immediate money. And all the time invested practicing, recording and performing took time away from working in my family business,so I took an disgruntle attitude toward my fellow band mates, none of whom were married or had children. But in truth, the band was a business, too. We had investors and backers. At the time, I was too blind to see it; I needed money; so, I shot my mouth off and got kicked out of the band. But what good did that do me? None.

My first wife and I immediately started going to church. I walked away from a career in music and surrendered completely to the fundamentalist teachings of the Southern Baptist Church.

I could go on with the mistakes. But they all boil down to not having the good sense to invest in the future. I always grabbed whatever was right before, held on, and generally survived fairly well. And because I survived, I expected a certain amount of respect. I lulled myself into thinking that I had "high standards," and that I had "moral expectations." I expected the Christian to act like a Christian; I expected the Redneck to be as open minded as a tree-hugging hippie; I expected those who held a different worldview to consider mine. But what I expected from others was what was lacking in me! My "high standards" were a delusion and a lie. And that in and of itself was and is the problem. One cannot be respected by others if they have no respect for themselves. One cannot love others if they have no love for themselves.

This blog is still a lie, but I'm trying to find the truth, and the truth is Love.

My mantra for today is, "resign yourself to love." Love always loves. Love loves what disagrees with Love. Love loves mistakes.