As God is my witness, I will be me.

In the movie, Out of Africa, Denys Finch Hatton said, "I don't want to live someone else's idea of how to live. Don't ask me to do that. I don't want to find out one day that I'm at the end of someone else's life."

It is my favorite quote. I have long lulled myself with the lofty notion that my life was built upon that philosophy. Nothing is further from the truth. Finch Hatton was very secure in his beliefs. What other people did mattered very little to him. He was, in fact, completely comfortable with himself. It was hard for him to commit himself to a relationship because he was committed to himself. And there is an honor of sorts in that. He beguiled no one with false illusions of love. But he was a loyal friend, but above all, he was truthful. 

He was truthful to himself. I have long admired that, perhaps because deep down, I realized that I have not been truthful to myself. I have been a man of many insecurities. And that is a foolish way to live. Nothing on earth is secure. We all live from one breath to the next. 

Just this week, someone intruded uninvited into my life. My first reaction was to lash out. "Why?" I kept asking myself. "Why does this person want to fuck up my happiness?" 

But the truth is that only "I" can fuck up my happiness. 

I must not care what happens. I must not care what others do. I must only care about what I do. And what I intend to do from here on out is to stay the course. If someone else wants to ride with me, that's fine. If they choose not to, that's fine, too. 

As God is my witness, I will be me. 

bittersweet

I had a very bittersweet experience watching the remastered 75th anniversary showing of Gone With The Wind. It was bitter and sweet because my mother loved it so much; when I was a child, the theaters ran GWTW every four years. My mother made sure that we saw it at least once ever time it ran. Remembering my mother's love for that movie and how it affected me as a child is very nostalgic for me. It was also very sad: one reason my mother loved it so was because she identified with Scarlet O'Hara. My mother's father started our family business, which was eventually passed down to her. She had every intention of passing our land and business down just as Scarlet's father passed it to her and her sisters. After my mother passed, family greed ruled and I eventually sold out to my relatives ( a mistake I'll always regret ). So, I love Gone With The Wind, but when I watch it, I'm filled with angst because I did not run roughshod over the lot of ‘em, as Scarlett did, and keep what was rightfully mine.