Questions

I am frantically trying to decide what to do. I'm always frantically trying to decide what to do. Indecision is my life's theme. It is not a good theme; I wish I could change it, but I seem totally unable to do so. I'm constantly plagued by questions. Should I write? If so, what should I write? Should I write on my blog? Should I work on a novel? If I work on a novel, which one should I work on? Should I go back and rewrite the novel I wrote about six years ago but never published? Or should I write a memoir about my experiences with churches, and how corrupt they are? Or should I write that story as fiction? Or since I've played music most of my life, should I write a novel about rock & roll? How about a novel about rock & roll and religion?

All these questions about writing are constantly weighed against the question as to whether or not I should be playing music. I've drummed most of my life, but in the past year, I started singing, too. I've also been teaching myself to play guitar. Since I have sang in public, I'd say I'm much more of an accomplished singer than a guitar player. But I am also entertaining the thought of playing acoustic guitar on stage. I went to Florida on vacation a few weeks ago. Prior to leaving, a guitar player friend of mine talked to me about doing an acoustic duo, with me singing and him playing guitar. Hopefully, at some point, after much practice I'm sure, I'd get good enough on guitar to strum along on a few songs. But I was also asked recently if I'd want to front a band as the lead singer, and only drumming occasionally. That also sounds incredibly interesting and challenging. Who doesn't want to be Mick Jagger?

These opportunities open up many more questions. Should I put together a band together with me drumming? Should I put a band together with me fronting it as a singer? Should I just do the acoustic duo? Should I try to write and drum at the same time? I sort of know the answer to that one: I'm not good at multitasking. When I'm playing music, I tend to work at it constantly, which leaves no time for writing.

And then there's the question of whether or not I want to do more damage to my hearing. The loud volume of drumming and rock & roll has taken such a toll on my hearing that I now have to wear hearing aids at rehearsals in order to understand what people are saying. Drumming robs me of a little more hearing each time I do it. People always ask me, "Can't you wear earplugs?" The answer is, "yes, I can, but I usually take them out because I can't hear the music well enough with them in." And I've been told by doctors that hearing protection will not totally protect someone with extensive hearing loss such as mine. Even with earplugs, a huge amount of volume is still absorbed through the jawbone and skin. And when I learn new songs, I have to wear headphones, and everyone says that headphones do tremendous damage.

Besides the hearing damage, there's really very little money to be made drumming in local bars. Club owners act as if they are showing more grace than God if they pay as little as $50 a night. When you figure in the price of gas and drumsticks, which have to be replaced much more often than these merciful gods realize, and the occasional new set of drumheads, around $200, then you quickly realize that one rarely makes any money playing music. More often than not, one pays to play; hence, another question. Why do it?

All these questions haunt me to the point of exhaustion. Seriously! I'm constantly trying to figure out what to do. So much so, that I get absolutely nothing done. I haven't written anything in weeks. Well, that's not exactly true. If it were, you wouldn't be reading this. The truth is that I finally forced myself to sit down and share my dilemma with you in this blog.

Can you tell me what I should I do?

Now I'm asking you, the reader, questions. You see, there's no end to it. These questions increase exponentially.  

I can't start writing a novel if I know I'm going to get sidetracked playing music, and I can't play music if I know I'm going to have to sit at my desk writing for hours and hours everyday.

Does this sound unstable? Hell YES. There is a scripture that says a double minded man is unstable in all his ways. I don't know about the rest of the Bible, but that verse is certainly true.

But I can't go on this way. I've got to decide what to do and what not to do. I want to write because I've got stories to share, but to a certain degree, I fear that I'm not smart enough to write a novel. I'm not the sort of person who outlines and thinks of dramatic questions and plots, climaxes, endings, and all that.  But I also fear that drumming and singing are merely a waste of time. Writing is something that lives on. Music merely satisfies the moment if it's not recorded.

As I read and reread the previous paragraph, I'm struck by the recurring word, "fear." Once again, I'm reminded of the ageless wisdom of Franklin D. Roosevelt, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

Maybe I need to conquer my fears as much as I need to decide what to do and what not to do. But now I have to figure out which fear to conquer first. You see, these damn questions never end.